Looking back I always struggled. Struggled with being myself, being true to what I wanted and what I felt. I only knew what I felt like I had to do. Work hard, be nice, find a job and work. And just do like everybody.
I always felt like that was not for me. I never felt like I was ‘like everybody’ or that I fitted in anywhere. Sure there were friends that felt like coming home. But mostly I didn’t feel accepted in society. At first, I tried to be normal, but then in high school, I embraced being different. Wore gothic clothes, skater clothes, a dot on my head, basically everything I felt like. And I didn’t care.
Well, I did care. Because now I was standing out more, still not fitting in.
I didn’t keep the over the top dressing, and I didn’t even stick to the whole being me as much as I would have liked. And somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who I was. On what I wanted to feel and what I wanted to do with my life.
In a way there was always some form of direction: I wanted to be a writer. But even that got lost in the last two years. I don’t even know what I want to be, what I want to do, and at the moment I just feel tired.
So I hope that with writing these little pieces of text and sending them into the world on the blog I will recover some form of sense or direction. Create a road for myself and figure out what I want to do, how I want to do it and learn to love myself in the process because really, that’s where it all went wrong. I stopped loving myself long before I realised that loving yourself is essential if you ever hope to be authentic.