2018 feels like a blur

2018 feels like a blur. I know I’ve said it before, but as I’m reading through old drafts that I’ve never published, I can’t even remember writing them. It doesn’t feel like it was in the same year or even the same life.

2018 feels like a blur. In just a few short months I feel like I’ve turned my life around so much that I don’t even know what I was before. Where I am now feels familiar as well as strange at the same time. I feel like I have more grip on my life, and at the same time, it feels like everything is still slipping through my fingers. 

2018 feels like a blur. A bunch of emotions tumbling over each other fighting for the right to be heard. Trying to take control. Happiness, sadness, a broken and black feeling, an empty hole in my chest, the overwhelming feeling that everything is possible, hope, dreams, frustration, anger, and doubt. They are all fighting to come out, and sometimes they all come out at once. And then I can only sit and stare at the wall. 

2018 feels like a blur. Like the trees that blur past me when I run. Like the streets when I cycle as fast as I can. Like the cows in the field when I’m on a speeding train. Or the lights from the other side of the road as I’m driving while singing along to cheesy songs. 

2018 feels like a blur. With the sun on my face while I’m half asleep on a mountain in France, or shivering in a sleeping bag in a tent. It felt like a blur and like time was standing still as I was looking up at the clear sky full of stars. It felt like a blur when I was getting comfortable driving again. 

2018 felt like a blur. When my heart was shattered in pieces, where before and after blurred together in a way where I can’t keep them apart anymore. When I didn’t know which side was up or down. And there are still times where I don’t know which side is up, down, left or right. All I know that it’s one foot in front of the other no matter what. 

2018 felt like a blur. And I think it will never stop feeling like that. I’ve pushed things away this year, forgot things I normally don’t forget. I forgot birthdays, forgot to eat, forgot how to read and forgot to take care of myself. I forgot how to say no to things and yes to taking care of myself. And when I forgot to be creative.

2018 felt like a blur. It was raw. It hurt. I did things I didn’t think I could. I didn’t do things I should have. I found a strength I didn’t knew I had. But that only means that 2019 will hold a promise I couldn’t make myself this year. 2019 won’t be a blur.

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